Light up, light up

It has felt like a somewhat challenging year thus far.  I didn’t really see any of summer, certainly no holiday, 2 operations, a car accident, a nearly burnt-off hand.  I have had so many occasions for existential crises I have almost forgotten how not to be subsumed by one and how to let go of the depression that comes from lost hope and lost time.

I feel totally and utterly mortal, which is a blessing and a curse. What I find hardest is the isolation that comes with wanting to talk about this.  Fancy a quick chat about death anyone? My circle of friends has become smaller yet wider, I feel lucky to have met so many wonderful people at different junctures of my life and pocketed their brilliance, lots of light givers and saviours.  Though all too often I hibernate and blame myself for the things that have happened, I can feel myself becoming critical and bitter and that just makes life harder and lonelier.

So watching Oprah this morning, as you do, she said something that resounded.  All any person looks for in life: child; adult; friend; family; lover – is to be heard and to see you, the person they’re looking to, to light up when they walk in or talk to you.  Ultimately, we all want to matter and be listened to. My light has gone out lately, what with recovering and exhaustion and feeling like I’m just not doing enough, achieving enough.  That’s my aim for my final week at work, to give out the light, regardless of how people treat me.  This is me feeling terrible on the inside but wanting to have fun on the outside, bless Monty the John Lewis penguin…

P-p-p-pick up a penguin

P-p-p-pick up a penguin

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